What Are You Doing Next Year?
I recently attended the dance show at my kids’ high school. I didn’t even have a child in the show and still, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Watching these girls leave it all on the stage brought me immense joy. And then, in their annual rite-of-passage dance number, the Seniors came out through the audience on to the stage wearing the hoodies from the colleges they’ll be attending in the Fall. Amidst all the cheers and applause, I couldn’t help but think, What if a student isn’t set on college? Would she come out in a sweatshirt that proclaimed, “UNDECIDED! DEFERRED! NOT READY YET!?” In the area I live, college is less a question and more an expected next step. We question our friends about what colleges their kids are applying to. We run into second semester seniors and ask if they know yet what school they’re attending in the Fall. “Are you actually ready for college?” is a question we rarely consider asking. This is in part because of the societal pressure to immediately continue with a postsecondary education and because so few of us are aware of the myriad of programs that exist to help our perhaps-not-quite-ready-for-college child.
Facebook paints a beautifully optimistic picture of parents and kids rejoicing their admittance into the colleges and universities of their dreams. Not surprisingly, the Facebook post rarely includes a freshman year follow-up. Many students thrive in their first year away at college but many, unfortunately, do not. Little is seen on social media of these struggling undergrads yet everywhere we turn, we hear stories of students coming home from school, transferring, or taking mental health breaks. Anecdotally, it feels like many are not living out their dreams like the Facebook posts would have suggested and statistically we’re seeing more of the same. In a recent American Council on Education survey, 62% of institutions reported that student mental health is “worse” now than in previous years, and 73% of university presidents identified student mental health as a top five issue on their campus, making it the most pressing issue currently facing campuses.
Some college students may not be struggling with mental health challenges but instead lack the maturity to get themselves to classes without a parent making sure they’re awake in the morning. Overseeing their own schedules for the first time, including making sure they eat, attend classes, do homework and study for tests requires a lot of self-discipline and sophistication. College can be a mind-blowingly serious financial commitment… How certain are we that our investment will pay off? As so eloquently stated by Louis M. Profeta, Emergency Physician, public speaker, and author of the viral essay, “A Sunday Talk on Sex, Drugs, Drinking, and Dying with the Frat Boys,” “Some of these young men and women are simply too emotionally immature and lack the basic self-control and sense of personal responsibility to be in college.” Shocking, no? Startling, of course! But he's not done yet. He goes on to say, “Some of your kids, in fact many of your kids are not ready for college—and if you think college administrators can or will protect them, you are dead wrong. They’ll act like they have it under control and tout their counseling services, student health, etc., but they don’t. When things go bad, they’ll point the finger at fraternities, or a toxic sports culture, or bullying, or whatever, in order to shift the blame rather than admitting that they accept too many students that are simply too immature to be there. Give me one year of age over a hundred extra points on the SAT any day.”
So how can we as parents objectively determine if our kids are mature enough to be off on their own at college? Dr. Profeta suggests asking ourselves the following, “Would I feel comfortable leaving my house for two months right now with them alone, by themselves, fending completely? Could I go a week, two weeks, three weeks without talking to them, secure in the knowledge that they are fine? Does that describe my child?” No doubt these are tough questions to ask ourselves and perhaps even tougher to answer honestly. And if we are brave enough to go through that exercise and we determine that our kid could use an extra year of maturing before heading off to the halls of ivy, then what? For some kids, a year of working might be exactly what’s needed. For others, a GAP Year would be most beneficial and if so, there is no shortage of help out there to determine what program would interest your child. Whether you hire an educational consultant like The Aspire Group, or search for information online, there are some amazing resources to help you find what kind of GAP program would light your kid up. From big-city internships and foreign language immersion, to outdoor adventure trips, and volunteering, the opportunities are endless.
Parenting isn’t easy and we all know the journey goes astonishingly fast but let’s keep in mind Dr. Profeta’s wise words, “College will still be there. It is not a race to adulthood.” And when we see those seniors, let’s be sure to ask with an open mind and genuine curiosity, “What are you doing next year?”
Resources:
https://www.teenlife.com/category/gap/?program-type=gap
https://www.collegealternative.org/alt-fair
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1ypu26HDzHTISZ-UsWpyDw
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/very-dangerous-place-child-college-louis-m-profeta-md/