Just Because I am Smart Doesn’t Mean I Use Good Judgement.
One of the most frequent conversations that I have with parents who reach out to me in great angst and frustration is their disbelief that their smart adolescent or young adult does things that are "counterintuitive" for their smart brain. In other words, if their child is so smart, then why do they sometimes do things that aren’t very smart at all. Kids don't consciously decide to act foolishly or take risks that can lead to a possible negative outcomes. However, perception is often distorted in an adolescent’s developing brain. In fact, it matters very little just how smart a teen or young adult may be, how well they do in school or on standardized tests. The rational part of an adolescent brain is simply not fully developed. Research shows that the frontal lobe of the brain doesn't close until the late 20's. The prefrontal cortex is responsible in a large part for the brain's rational thinking; still only partially developed in the adolescent brain.
Decision-making in adolescence may be particularly modulated by emotional and social factors. Regardless of the consequences, most adolescents will strongly believe in their original viewpoint and that they did not do anything wrong. The more parents argue, the more the child will dig in their heels, refusing to admit any error in judgement. Teens may not be bothered by the lack of information about the risk they may be taking. Teenagers’ attitude to uncertainty is developmentally the norm - there is considerable exploration and learning during those times. After all, many experiences are new and teens don't know how things will turn out. Some of these choices could include avoiding or “blowing-off” homework, hanging with a "bad" crowd, using substances and engaging in risky behavior.
This behavior can be explained by normal biological development. To make matters more complex, social media and technology deliver messages that influence behavior further, preventing the brain from kicking in. While we may understand this, it doesn't reduce the tension and parental fear. If we accept the fact that "intelligence" is not the definition of making a good judgement, then we need to realize that the young child, adolescent and young adult we see in front of us, is now a developing brain, not yet able to fully take responsibility for their impulses and having to think about consequences. We, as parents, must anticipate and be aware of the differences.
As a parent, it is best to set your own rules; clear boundaries that you believe in and have communicated to your child. They need not be what other parents are doing or even what social media is suggesting. If you accept ownership for your own rules, it will then be easier to be consistent, which is essential in dealing with your adolescent. Additionally you need to remember that even if you are feeling ill or have had a bad day yourself you CANNOT change the boundaries and rules you have enforced in the past. When you feel you have hit a wall and tried everything, consider doing something that will SURPRISE them that you haven't threatened to do. Here’s an example..your child slams their door to their room all of the time. Instead of continuing hollow warnings and threats, simply explain what your expectation is. Should they disregard your expectation and slam the door again, then one day when they return home, their door is gone. This parental response opens the door for a lot of discussion about how serious you are about the rules.
If you need additional help, therapists can provide an initial assessment of your child and then help develop strategies for clear and effective communication. They can also help in identifying and addressing barriers to getting through to the adolescent brain. Staying calm and not fighting or using a loud voice can sometimes worry that adolescent who may be used to raised voices and threats. But what I believe is most important to remember is that what is happening with your adolescent is not about "intelligence" and your expectation as a parent needs to be based on neurobiological development, even when the adolescent or young adult "acts so mature."